Why Our Family Chose a Jewish Gap Year with Tivnu

By Bari Nan Cohen Rothchild

When our older son was approaching his senior year in high school, he told us he wanted to take a gap year. His father and I were excited about the idea: a small investment in self-discovery was potentially less costly than a bad semester. We knew childhood’s “scheduled” conclusion date wasn’t meaningful — but disrupting it could be. According to the Gap Year Association, most gap-year alumni credit the experience with strengthening their ability to connect with people from different cultures and backgrounds, improving their maturity and self-esteem, and boosting their academic motivation.

Our son is now a college senior, and we’ve watched those benefits multiply. His Jewish gap year took him to Portland, Oregon, for Tivnu, one of the most respected gap year programs in the country. The Tivnu gap year offered experiential learning through a Jewish lens, including internships in social-justice fields, construction work serving unhoused communities, and adventure travel—with peers who became close friends. It was the just-right environment to consider big ideas — without wondering which would appear on a test. He’ll tell anyone he meets, “Everyone should take a gap year.” (Full disclosure: I was so impressed that I joined the program’s board after his year ended.) Four years later, we’re supporting his younger brother as he navigates a different path — his own DIY gap year — with these principles in mind:

Plan for college and a gap year simultaneously. Both kids took advantage of built-in support for the college process at their high school, adding gap-year planning to the mix, rather than delaying college applications. Theoretically, it made the college application less pressured. They could always reboot the process if they didn’t like their choices. However, investigating colleges and gap year programs through the lens of their goals and values helped them identify better fits for both. And (sweet relief!) it freed them from the “race to nowhere,” allowing them to see gap year programs and college experiences as points on a path rather than college-as-finish-line. Both accepted, then deferred, offers of admission from their best-fit schools.

Set up for success, even if you can’t define it. For us, meaningful gap year programs are away from home, on the theory that personal growth is harder to achieve in your childhood bedroom. This isn’t everyone’s perfect formula, but it works for us. We favor lightly scaffolded independence — and a chance to build community with peers who share some interests. Jewish life is a factor, too. As a Jewish gap year, Tivnu was turn-key. Once our older son cleared the admissions process, we paid the tuition, and he was all set to go. Our younger son’s gap year was more labor-intensive to set up, but different kids want different adventures. (Really different. This one’s a ski jumper who relocated to another part of the country to work with new coaches and teammates. In the winter, he’ll join a residential program where he’ll have peers and can tutor and mentor younger athletes.)

Prepare to let go — a little. Our digital and post-pandemic world deprives young people of much-needed unsupervised time to make (and learn from) their own mistakes. Need proof? A glance through the posts on social media groups devoted to parenting college kids should do the trick. (IYKYK). Parents and kids need the freedom to learn the difference between pushing boundaries and pushing back (i.e., sometimes a haircut is just a haircut). Another bonus: calibrating expectations around independence, communication, and connection. Midway through his gap year, my older son injured himself in a kitchen mishap. When he called to tell us about it, he apologized for not doing so until after he had sought support in finding medical care, and received treatment. We congratulated him for doing things in the right order.

You’ll change the players — and the game. The fact is, every family member will grow and change in different ways, shifting longstanding dynamics. With his big brother out of town, our then-14-year-old son “enjoyed an unprecedented amount of individual attention and additional responsibility. A wise friend suggested we purchase a new duvet cover for our older son’s room, so everyone would have a visible reminder we’d entered a new chapter.

If you’re uncomfortable with their choices — Jewishly or otherwise — it probably means they’re doing it right. Not every choice, mind you, but it’s their job to try new things. Jewish things, especially. Raising Jewish kids often comes with the expectation they’ll live Jewishly, “our” way. But it’s healthy and appropriate to experiment. Whether they’re in a Jewish program or need to seek out opportunities for Jewish connection, opening the conversation during a gap year is the first step toward building an independent Jewish life.

Choose internships that develop life skills, not just the resume. In high school, our older son envisioned himself attending law school after college. Interning at a bilingual legal aid nonprofit during his Tivnu gap year gave him many skills — and the knowledge he didn’t want to practice law. He arrived at college open to courses that captured his interest, knowing that the right plan would materialize if he let himself find it. He also hit the ground running, already adept at living independently, interacting with other adults, managing complex assignments, and multiple commitments. That clarity — and the jump-start — is a common theme among gap-year alumni. According to the Gap Year Association, about 90 percent of students who take a structured gap year enroll in college within a year. And for those who take longer or choose a different route, the experience often helps them discover new directions and satisfying careers they might not have considered otherwise.

Taking a gap year is a leap into the unknown — and that’s a good thing. That first risk fuels deeper thinking and continued self-discovery. And from our family’s experience, I’ll amend my oldest son’s declaration: “Everyone should take a gap year — it’s a Jewish value.” Because a good Jewish gap year teaches young adults how to live with intention.

Bari Nan Cohen Rothchild is a writer, editor, parent and advocate. She has held senior editorial roles at national publications, including SELF, Good Housekeeping and YM. Her work has appeared in numerous other publications, including Glamour, Parenting, Woman’s Day and The New York Times.